RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: Magic Tarp-et Ride

Let’s start with the fight. That’s what you all came here for, right? A discussion of the huge, seismic blowup between top contenders that was the Arrietty–vs.–Crystal Envy battle royale. Just kidding; I’m of course talking about Onya and Lexi’s battle over a tarp.

Season 17 has thus far been a maelstrom of conflict, between Jewels vs. Onya, Suzie vs. the World, and a slew of other minor spats that on other seasons would be the most notable fight of the episode. These queens, it turns out, are not just hungry to win but also largely uninterested in how they’re coming off. Interesting, viable contenders like Onya, Lexi, and Jewels have all been in fights where they come off well and fights where they come off poorly, which is altogether more interesting than having a group of contenders who are above the fray while the vast middle fights it out — which is what happened in season 13, for example, when Symone, Rosé, and Gottmik never really participated in any of the season’s main drama.

I’d say this week’s argument was comparatively mid-tier, though if you airlift this fight into season 14, it’s probably the high point for that whole season. On the plus side is its intensity, that it’s between two front-runners, and that it ratchets up the intensity of the challenge. On the other hand, neither queen has any amazing lines (cue the egg on my face when something Lexi or Onya says becomes an eternal meme), and the argument doesn’t really have any larger connections to the season. The best fights on Drag Race are typically grounded in some fundamental artistic disagreement between the queens — think about Naomi vs. Derrick on season eight, Roxxxy vs. Jinkx on season five, or the blueprint, PhiPhi vs. Sharon on season four. These, to me, are the most satisfying because they underscore that this is a competition among artists being judged based on the quality of their work. Even Trim-gate was about the ethic of the self-governed portion of the competition. This argument is not really that.

As for who’s right, well: Lexi is, clearly. The fight centers on a piece of tarp that Lexi is using for her outfit, which despite her spray-painting does, in fact, mostly just look like a tarp. With that in mind, Onya and Arrietty go outside while Lexi’s tarp is drying and use it to spray-paint their outfits on, resulting in a giant brown splotch that Lexi then sees and goes ballistic over. When she confronts the girls about said splotch, Onya doesn’t speak up, so Lexi goes back outside, where Arrietty comes clean, leading Lexi to piece together whose brown outfit caused the splotch. She confronts Onya, not so much for messing up her outfit as for not being brave enough to come clean. The fight emphasizes a dynamic that we’ve seen more than once with Onya: She does not feel close to drag queens and thus does not feel the need to play nice. That’s fine sometimes, but it’s also led to her bobbing and weaving to avoid culpability when she makes a choice that pisses off her sisters. Even when she apologizes to Lexi, she refuses to acknowledge that she messed up by not fessing up. Instead, she just reiterates that she didn’t intend to get any paint on Lexi’s outfit. It’s disappointing behavior from one of my favorite queens of the season, and, for a queen whose last name is “Nerve,” it shows a shocking lack thereof to not be able to admit she did something wrong. As for Lexi, the most notable part, to me, is not that she fully screams at Onya but the way that she apologizes the next morning. Maybe she does get over stuff that quickly, but I also wonder if that wasn’t a post-heat-of-the-moment choice after realizing how she’d come off on TV. Overall, I hope this isn’t the last we see of this conflict this season. It’ll be much more fun that way.

Other than that fight, it’s a pretty straightforward week. It’s an under-the-sea-themed ball challenge, with swimsuit- and sea-creature-themed looks brought from home and final looks made from ocean garbage. It’s a fun challenge, and a smart one to come directly after Arrietty’s save, since it caps off her story line nicely. Arrietty also has a moment I alluded to earlier, when RuPaul asks her who she thinks should have been in the bottom last week instead of her, and she specifically names Crystal. Then, when Crystal asks her about it, Arrietty reiterates herself instead of denying it. If Crystal had any discernible onscreen personality, this might have been interesting.

Ru does walk-throughs for the first time this season, though they’re not really eventful enough that you can tell who her favorites are — nobody earns a full-body laugh, for example. We do learn that Sam’s godfather is Charles Barkley, which … what?

The guest judge this week is Hunter Schafer, and the non-Ru or Michelle judge is … Law Roach? Roach is not, in the intro, considered a “guest judge,” but in the press release I received before the season began, he is listed in the guest-judge category. I’m not sure what the contracts say, but I will say that if they do bring Roach back later this season, that could only be considered a good thing, even if his judging this episode is occasionally nonsensical.

Onto the runways!

First category is “Bathing Beauties.” Crystal does a Barbie look, and I agree with Michelle that this is played out (especially at the point this was filmed), but it’s certainly polished. Jewels wears a cute gold suit, but I personally do not understand the padding trend of “huge ass, no tits.” It looks unbalanced. Butthole’s many teets do not look like teets to me. Sam wears a supremely polished yellow cover-up-to-bikini look that made me fall asleep. Wear something telegenic, please! Onya’s wig is tough, but the white suit is cute. I don’t fully understand why Arrietty is blue, but I also didn’t care because she looked gorgeous. Suzie’s ’20s mustachioed look is adorable and very Suzie. Kori goes as Left Shark, then becomes Super Bowl Katy Perry, which is not a reference that interests me in any way, shape, or form. Acacia’s look is boring. Lexi does a naked look with an elaborate merkin that is absolutely fabulous. Hormona’s look is fine. Lana uses the opportunity to show off her body, but the actual outfit doesn’t amount to much.

Onto sea creatures! Clearly, this was a category where a lot of the girls decided to spend some resources, because these looks are elaborate. Crystal is a puffer fish and wears shoes that reference Alexander McQueen’s famous armadillo shoes. I love the wig, and the outfit is really fun. Jewels is a Mugler-y “Spanish Dancer” fish, and this look is one of my favorites of the night. Again, I love this flip wig with it. Butthole’s anglerfish puppet does not appeal to me. Sam Star’s viperfish is a stunner, but she can’t really pull off the edge in the face required to take the look over the top. Onya’s African sea star is incredible. That pant shape is remarkable. The peak of the runway, though, is Arrietty, who wears a lionfish outfit that she airbrushed herself, with some of the best makeup I’ve ever seen on the show. Best runway of the night, best runway so far this season. Suzie’s Yayoi Kusama–inspired octopus is great, and the way her beehive mimics the octopus’s shape is smart. Kori’s I don’t love. It’s not bad, but the wet hair is like, “okay.” Acacia’s is boring. Lexi, unsurprisingly, looks great, though I think a jellyfish outfit could have a riskier silhouette. Hormona’s look is fine. Lana’s spiky sea urchin gets negatively critiqued, but I thought it was pretty solid — her best of the night, for sure.

Finally, we reach the Werk Room looks. Crystal’s pink-and-yellow gown is beautiful. Jewels looks good, but I’m starting to wonder if her lack of attention from the judges is because she’s not great at presenting on the runway. It’s just a little … frantic. Butthole’s silver outfit is really ugly, and she should have been in the bottom. Sam’s trash-bag-covered gown is very well done. When you blur your eyes, you really can’t tell it’s trash. I give Sam shit (and I’m about to give her some more), but she’s got the goods. Onya’s seaweed-covered, bottom-of-the-ocean couture is definitely safe. Arrietty looks amazing in a pink-and-blue coral-reef-inspired two-piece. She could wear this on a non-self-made runway. It’s incredible. Suzie’s Amelia Earhart–y look is kind of frumpy, but it does the job in a week that is clearly not her challenge. Kori’s is significantly better than her last design attempt. Glad to see her improving. Acacia’s look is kind of ugly, but I think the judges overstated their dislike of it when they could have just been like, “You’re kind of boring to us.” Lexi’s look is a tarp. That’s it. Don’t get me wrong, she sells it, and it’s very well styled, but it is ultimately just a tarp. Hormona’s look is fine. Lana’s look is essentially nothing. Seriously, what is it? What is happening here? It’s just … pasted together?

Arrietty ends up winning the week, and there was really no other choice. She was clearly far out ahead of all competition. Nominally with her in the top are Sam and Crystal. It is becoming a big issue to me that neither Jewels nor Lexi has talked to the judges yet — I understand that Lexi wore a tarp and not much else, but Jan-ing two of the best girls there is so counterproductive. Neither Sam nor Crystal is half as interesting as those two safe girls, and I wouldn’t say either, overall, did better than them in the challenge because they were both so wildly uncreative. I never care what it’s like in Crystal or Sam’s minds, while I am fascinated by both Jewels and Lexi, both of whom are clearly stars. It’s time the show remembers that. And, for what it’s worth, neither Crystal nor Sam’s top placement moves along the plot of the season in any way. So there!

Acacia, Hormona, and Lana are in the bottom, with Lana as the clear worst. They call Hormona out for not being draggy enough (a loaded sentiment toward a trans woman, to be sure), call Acacia out for being boring, and call Lana out for her bad outfits and underconfidence on the runway. Ultimately, Acacia is saved, which I think is a mistake. Always send the boring girl home first. Lana and Hormona lip-sync to “Get Him Back,” by Olivia Rodrigo, and Lana wins, but not by enough. So Hormona goes home, again. RIP to a real one. I would have saved her over Acacia this time, but it’s not my call.

Also on Untucked …

• Hunter Schafer comes backstage during Untucked, and it’s the first time in a long time that that’s a good thing. Her asking if there are any dolls in the room was so sweet, as was Lexi’s admiration for her.

• Law’s monologue to Sam about cocaine is confusing and probably unhelpful if you’re Sam, but I was entertained.

• Arrietty appears to have a completed story line, and next week is Snatch Game. She’s in danger.

• There’s a mini-challenge this week involving famed robot Norvina. I love seeing the girls get in quick drag and hope there’s more of it this season, since it’s often remarkably telling about who’s legitimately good on their feet.

• I found Acacia’s confessional about how ugly everybody else’s outfit is amazing. Where has this girl been? Bring her out more!

• Trauma Makeup Corner: No time! Too much fightin’!

• Gay Thots From Gay People: In honor of Arrietty’s big week, I polled my local gay guys to find out who they found the most attractive. I, clearly, would say Arrietty. My friend Noam’s take is that “Arrietty is cute, but honestly, Onya really does something for me — hot face plus the combination of confidence and the ability to actually see the competition for what it is.” My boyfriend agreed that Onya is the cutest while also noting that “Sam Star is cute but too much.” My dear Jake noted that “I think mine is Kori, but no talking and NO Dunkin’ Donuts.”

• Predicted top four: Onya, Lexi, Sam, and Suzie. At this point, smart money should be on Crystal over Lexi, given her multiple top placements from RuPaul, but I’ll go down kicking on that front.