The Bachelor Recap: Trouble in the Turret

With all the vague hints of deception and revealing of off-camera conversations without any names being named, Grant is currently starring in a one-man season of The Traitors where he’s the only Faithful and everyone else is a Traitor. And just like the real Traitors, these women are NOT. GETTING. ALONG. The women keep giggling about how they all finally sit on the couch in the living room, but I’m more concerned about how 14 (and suddenly 13) women can all fit in the turret. There aren’t enough cloaks and lanterns in the western hemisphere. Don’t they know that they’ll have to work together for at least a little while and keep drama to a minimum to make it all the way to the end? Even Wes had a better social game than this!

The ladytestants have made the decision somewhere along the way that they were never going to name any names when bringing up drama and to reference another reality TV show, “Name ‘em! Name ‘em!” Sending Grant on a quest for deduction as he stalks around the Bachelor mansion like Tom Sandoval, trying to find a conversation where no one hates him, is not the way to do this. The first rule of Bachelor Mansion: don’t bring up drama. Second rule: if you do bring up drama, name names, and they’ll put you on a two-on-one date. At this point, I’m putting a big ol’ D in my notes next to each rose that’s purely for the drama. Because do I see Sarafiena, someone Grant has had zero prolonged interactions with, making it to the end? No. It’s a rose for the drama, and that’s worse than a scroll from the Traitors.

Let’s get into it.

It’s morning in the Bachelor mansion, and Jesse lets us know that last night was an emotional night. This week, we are going to be even more vulnerable to lube up those tear ducts, ladies. There will be two one-on-one dates (the actual number of one-on-one dates is not guaranteed) and one group date. The group date card will reveal who will be going on those one-on-one dates. Natalie, Bailey, Alexe, Ally Jo, Chloie, Sarafiena, Dina, Parsia, Rose, Zoe, Litia, and Juliana will be going on the group date. Does anyone else have to take a deep breath in the middle of that list? “Love is the greatest investment.” Sure! Carolina and Beverly have the one-on-one dates this week.

On the way to the group date, everyone knows two things: Grant is a day trader and Girl Math. I feel like even whenever this was filmed, Girl Math was already on its way out of the TikTok zeitgeist. The zeittok? The Tikgeist? I’ll find it. The episode plays us that remix of “Looking for a man in finance,” and Grant reminds us that he’s 6’ 4” and has brown eyes. Does anyone else know we were definitely heading for a recession (financially and politically) when that remix became popular? Anyway, Grant is looking for someone to build a nest egg with. He tells the women that finance means a lot of things, from saving for their kids’ college education to balancing a checkbook.

Do ANY of these women know what a checkbook is? Let alone how to balance it?? I write maybe two checks a year because the guy who fixes the buzzer at my building only takes checks. (I’m HOA President. I can’t POSSIBLY get into it now). A more thrilling group date would have been to ask these women to write a check and address an envelope.

Also, how pissed do you think Jason Tartick is that they didn’t ask him to join in on this date? This is like his entire brand! And like I said during Becca’s season, he’s a cute lil’ business boy!

They are joined by someone from Shark Tank and comedian Hannah Berner, who has them answering questions like “When was the last time your credit card got declined?” to earn Grant Bucks. They ask the women, “How much should a man spend on an engagement ring?” and everyone answers, “$20,000.” WHAT!!!!!!!! You want your man to spend TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on an engagement ring?!? They didn’t ask you how much Neil Lane gets paid per appearance. Ladies, ladies, ladies, that’s a downpayment in a slow real estate market. Let me hold your hand when I say this: no one on The Bachelor is rich or famous enough to get a $20,000 engagement ring. Ally Jo is the only one who says, “As long as it’s on my finger and he has good taste.” That’s a tall enough ask, but at least it’s moderately financially reasonable. Bailey realizes that the goal of the date is just to make Hannah laugh, and as a fellow social media influencer, she’s got a read on how to get that attention. She gets the most Grant Bucks. This sends Zoe into a spiral, and I want to ask her the same question that Ciara asked Nikki Bella in The Traitors: “Have you even laughed with your gut?” Zoe needs to MAJORLY lighten up.

It’s time for the evening portion of the date when Bailey will get to purchase some special treats off a menu. She picks Grant’s T-shirt to sleep in and a snakeskin Birkin 20. The Grant Bucks-USD exchange rate is crazy right now. Parisa does the “Chubby Bunny” and shove Rice Krispie treats into your mouth game with Grant, and they just laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh, ‘twere life so simple. Zoe reveals to the other women that she isn’t in her comfort zone today and she’s going to make it everyone else’s problem. The women are not sympathetic because of the stunt she pulled last week. While Zoe’s getting a drink, Sarafiena says, “That’s the shortest dress I’ve ever seen.” That seems to be the whisper that sends Zoe over the edge. She brings it to Grant and tells him someone has been throwing jabs in the house. You fool! When you aren’t feeling confident, you say, “I tried to let down my walls today, and I was out of my element, but I felt comfortable doing it with you.” Do I have to do everything? Grant gives the group date rose to Parisa and tells all the women he doesn’t want to hear about anyone belittling people in the house. Once he leaves, the girls (foolishly) try to figure out who said it, and Juliana just straight up asks Zoe, and she dodges the question. Zoe seems really content to not mend with the other women in the house, and I need everyone to just focus on being a bad bitch instead of getting drawn into whatever Zoe is doing.

The next day, everyone is crying. This….this is too much. Maybe they’re putting The Bachelorette on pause because everyone was too dehydrated to take up the mantle. (What’s going on with that?? Lemme know your conspiracy theories in the comments)

It’s time for Carolina’s one-on-one date. Now, this is a date! They’re flying to Vegas on a private jet to jump off the Stratosphere needle. Carolina suggests that they get married in Vegas, and oh man, this guy needs to get married on the beach in Paradise; otherwise, all these comments will be embarrassing.

They do some selfies on the jet, doing the Rizzler face. They’re also kissing a lot. They kiss like an already-established couple. For all the drama Carolina gets into later in the episode, it’s like, “Girl! You’re in the lead! Just keep kissing him!” They get to Vegas and jump off the Strat, and it’s your standard “I’m so nervous, but I’m glad I’m here with you” one-on-one date. I was also distracted by Carolina’s nails because I have the same Glamnetic press-ons. Press-ons are good now!! They head to Drai’s Beach Club and Night Club for the evening portion of the date and I laughed out loud.

For the evening portion of the date, Carolina wants to talk about talk about something she’s had to go through. Carolina says that she has a disability, and that causes some people to not show up for her in the way she’s shown up for them. She says that when she was 13, she had a seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy at 17. A dear friend of mine has epilepsy, so immediately, I was rooting for Carolina and really proud of her for telling Grant (and the world) about her disability. What broke my heart was the entire conversation was subtly framed as something Grant would have to “accept” and “deal with,” she’s had friends and romantic relationships fall apart, and she’s afraid to talk about what she goes through because people put limits on her.

As I’m sure some of my precious little readers and most of r/TheBachelor know, I was diagnosed with leukemia in 2021 and had a stem cell transplant in 2023. For a long, long, long time, I didn’t tell anyone that I had cancer. My closest of closest friends knew, and my family knew. I had long talks with friends if I would tell my coworkers! I didn’t tweet about it, I didn’t include it in my writing. Because people get weird when you have an illness or disability. People get so so so so weird. I cannot even imagine having to tell the actual fucking Bachelor about my white blood cells. So I understand Carolina being wary about telling Grant or anyone else because talking about disability can change things. It shouldn’t be that way! But it is!! And for Carolina, I could hear her giving Grant an out: “Think about if [her being tired after going a concert] is something you want to deal with.” I hope she knows that having to do that says more about the people around her than it does about her. Also, Carolina, some of us are in our 30s. We’re just straight-up tired!! You’re good! Grant says he’s starting to feel feelings for her, and he’s always going to put her first. She gets the one-on-one rose.

Back at the mansion the next day, Beverly has to leave the competition because of some medical emergency. And everyone is wondering how the rest of the week will go. I’ll tell you right now what they should have done: pool party. Instead of that, Litia, Sarafiena, and Dina go on a mini-group date?!? What is HAPPENING with the pacing of this season? They head to Vanderpump Dogs because Lisa Motherfucking Vanderpump will NOT be canceled on!

This date is especially funny because Grant really wants to know how much the women love dogs and if they want a dog, but … he doesn’t have a dog! His sister is taking care of his dog! He doesn’t have a dog! My other favorite moment is when Dina says she wants a bathing area in her house for her dog. Girl, what? Lisa disappears during the rest of the date, presumably to go give a man the benefit of the doubt!

For the evening portion, Litia gets the dinner part of the date? Y’all. This is just illegible Bachelor mess. I really want a camera on Sarafiena and Dina in the van on the way back to the mansion. How were they feeling? Litia talks more about her family life and her father passing away when she was three months old, and Grant talks about how he realized his mother held his family together. Oh! I forgot to mention that during the day portion of the date, he tells her, “You’re sincere. Those are the attractive things that I attracted to you. I’m attracted to you.” They Facetime her mom because production ran out of ideas. If she doesn’t make it to Hometowns, this will be embarrassing. She gets the one-on-one rose. I will say they look really good together.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Carolina is in an anxiety spiral never seen before. Carolina says that Rose told her that Grant said he was thinking about Rose when he was dancing with Carolina. Did this happen?? If he said that, I feel like the show would have shown us??? But that doesn’t matter because it’s time for prom! This cocktail party and rose ceremony is prom-themed because, something something, Grant didn’t have a prom, something something, we’ll fill in the emotional backstory later. Also, a gaggle of Golden Bachelorette contestants show up to … do what exactly? Grill? Listen, I cannot do my job if nothing I’m looking at makes sense. This is like asking someone to write a math equation based on a Dali painting.

There are a few cute interactions: Alexe has superlatives for Grant, Dina gives Grant a prom-posal, and Zoe asks Grant for a dance, but Carolina decides, like all 12th graders who just got their first push-up bra, that THIS PROM IS ABOUT HER. She pulls Grant aside and tells him what Rose said without any names. Grant immediately starts naming the women who were on the group date. He gets up and says “it has to be Rose.” I bet he’s great at Murdle. He sits down with Rose and asks her why she would say that. He tells her that when she says something like that, it makes him look like a player. He mentions this a few times, and it is a real concern for him. Rose shuts down and just starts quietly repeating him. “I’m here to find a wife!” “You are here to find a wife…” She swears she heard him say that, and she told Carolina about it in private. Grant goes back to Carolina and tells her that Rose apologizes. Carolina, he did all that. He likes you. RELAX!

The other women are mad again because Carolina has hijacked the night, and they say if they get sent home, it’s because they do not have enough time. After watching this show for 900 seasons, if you get sent home, it’s not because of not getting enough time. It’s because the lead doesn’t like you enough, and you are no longer relevant to the storyline made by the producers.

Everyone wins Prom Queen! Sure!!!!!!!

Time for the rose ceremony. Zoe, Juliana, Alexe, Dina, Natalie, and Sarafiena (for the drama) all get roses. The final rose goes to Rose (for the drama). Bailey, Ally Jo, and Chloie go home. I think Chloie going home at this stage throws cold water on the theory she was gonna be the first mid-size Bachelorette.

See you next week! Now the focus is falling in love! What was the focus before!!?