51 Things ‘American Riviera Orchard’ Isn’t

American Riviera Orchard is renamed “As Ever.” Join us in memorializing the original title of Meghan Markle’s lifestyle venture upon its rebrand.

During an otherwise unexceptional week for the royal family and its satellite members, Meghan Markle has decided to hard-launch a new iteration of her lifestyle brand in a way that suggests she has the most insane publicist alive. On March 14, 2024, the currently visible woman announced her new venture, American Riviera Orchard, via Instagram. According to the brand’s trademark application, acquired by People, the Tig 2.0 plans to sell “tableware, drinkware including decanters, kitchen linens and edible treats such as jellies, jams, marmalade and spreads” as well as cookbooks. The American Riviera Orchard Instagram account simply teases, for now, “By Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex. Established 2024.” “Established 2024” isn’t that exciting now, but in 50 years, when the product line by the woman whose podcast venture with Spotify ended after just three years is still going strong, everyone will be very impressed.

After Vulture writer Rachel Handler pointed out that American Riviera Orchard sounds like “the name of Blake Lively’s seventh child,” we couldn’t help but wonder: What else is “American Riviera Orchard” not but absolutely should be? We came up with 51 possibilities.

1. How John Travolta would have introduced America Ferrera at the Oscars

2. MLM available exclusively at Cracker Barrel

3. Penelope Disick’s future Kohl’s fashion line

4. The Manchurian Candidate phrase to activate Ina Garten

5. The location for the Tortured Poets Department’s annual retreat

6. What they renamed the French Riviera during the Iraq War

7. Vineyard that Dennis Quaid owns in The Parent Trap

8. Vineyard that Randy Quaid rules as a sovereign citizen

9. Where you scientifically go when you’re in a coma in Florida

10. A Lana Del Rey album title

11. My Wi-Fi password

12. The restaurant inside Home Depot

13. How they’re retheming Disney World’s River Country after the alleged brain-eating parasite kerfuffle

14. Nikki Haley’s proposed name for the border wall

15. Bath & Body Works soap that smells like white grape and gives you a rash

16. Eight-part unscripted Quibi series executive produced by Candace Cameron Bure that was dead on arrival

17. Glenn Beck’s QVC line of manly paisley ties

18. Venue that hosted the Catalina Wine Mixer from Step Brothers 

19. The spa at Dollywood

20. The ugliest shade of beige polish Opi has to offer

21. How the GOP describes heaven in its marketing materials

22. Sister band to Mumford & Sons

23. Katy Perry’s apple-cider-vinegar refinery

24. Limited brand collaboration between Eve (the singer) and Eve (from the Bible)

25. Hour-long Oxygen network drama watched only by aunts

26. White Nationalist wellness podcast

27. The result of a cease-and-desist from Tig Notaro

28. New name of the Suits cast’s group chat

29. Spiced candle from Yankee Candle in your grandmother’s house that makes you sneeze

30. An anagram for “Haircare Macaroni Driver”

31. Lindsey Graham’s safe word

32. Guy Fieri’s new sparkling rosé

33. Tom Brady’s underground apocalypse bunker city

34. Where the Sylvanian Drama happens

35. Budget Harry & David’s gift box without the good pears

36. The retirement home in Kendall Roy’s Living+ dystopia

37. The novel your mom’s book club is reading that turns out to be smut

38. Grape beverage product (due to FDA regulation it cannot legally be called wine or juice)

39. Where they are hiding Kate Middleton

40. The new room Dorit Kemsley is designing for Buca di Beppo

41. A neighborhood in The Sims 2

42. Decrepit billboard for a roadside attraction in a zombie-apocalypse movie

43. Applebees’s in-house lorem ipsum

44. Musky yet melon-inflected Tom Ford cologne sold at Target for three months in 1997

45. Netflix true-crime docuseries about the beloved scions of a wealthy Floridian apple dynasty who all turned out to be serial killers

46. COVID variant originating in Missouri

47. Kevin Costner’s Horizon: An American Saga, Chapter 26

48. A Real Housewife of New York’s season-arc skin-care line that will never be purchasable

49. A strain of sativa weed that guarantees a panic-attack-to-enlightenment pipeline

50. Where Timothée Chalamet nonsexually picks apples

51. Adaptation of British Riviera Orchard, a film about eight esteemed, septuagenarian English actors trying to fuck Judi Dench

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