Southern Charm Recap: That Shep Has Sailed

How many times, in how many different ways, can every single person around Shep Rose tell him that Sienna is just not that into him? How many times will he misinterpret what she says, send cringey text messages, and bat down his friends when they tell him that maybe it’s time to pack it in on this romance? And how many times will Madison (rightfully) gloat? How many times will Taylor giggle under her breath that Shep is finally getting the karma he deserves? How many times will Rodrigo and I make out in our speedos in the Bahamian sun? That last one had nothing to do with Shep, but I needed a third thing and my brand is H-word on main, so there you go.

The episode starts with Shep and Sienna talking about their relationship in his suite. In the after-show for the last episode (which I did not see before writing the recap), Shep said that Sienna called a week before the trip and wanted to talk to him, I assume to break off the relationship or at least clarify their status. But he told her that he wanted to have that chat on camera and, know what, I respect his duty to being a reality television personality, and while it is not the right move for real people, it is the right move for practitioners of the reality television arts and sciences. In light of that, I want to take back everything I said about Sienna in the last recap, questioning why she would have these guys all come down there knowing that it was essentially over. She tried to do the right thing, and Shep stopped her. Like a tacky embroidered belt at dinner, it’s on him, not her.

Even with that in mind, the conversation is still as awkward as The Rock trying to get out of a small-sized T-shirt. (How did The Rock get into the shirt? Don’t ask.) Shep lays this whole thing on her about how they have been so hot and heavy, how they have expressed real feelings for each other, and how Shep thinks they’ll have the most beautiful babies playing on the white sand beaches of his colonial fantasy. Her modest response is, “I never knew you were thinking like that.” She says that they never defined the relationship, that she didn’t know what they were to each other, and she’s glad she knows how Shep feels. Yeah, she’s glad so that she can run in the complete opposite direction.

As soon as the guys meet Sienna, they know what is up. Craig says, “I watch enough 90 Day Fiancé to know that it just didn’t feel right.” I can’t believe Paige did the Lord’s work by getting this man into trashy reality shows. Can she do Love Island next? But Craig, Austen, and the rest are more attuned to the signals that people are putting out, and they aren’t blinded by love.

When Shep and Sienna arrive at dinner, Austen takes Shep to the bar to discuss what happened. Shep tells Austen that when they walked over to dinner from the suite, he said he missed her, and she missed him, too. Oh, but wait! We have the footage of what actually happened. Shep asks Sienna if she missed him, and she says, “I’ll see.” I’ll see? I’ll see! I’ll see?! Oh man, that is a devastating blow. There is a way it could be said in a sexy way, with a look at him and a little flirt that says she’s playing coy. This was not that. This was so cold that the camera crew all got a free cryotherapy treatment. Then Shep says that he missed her, and she says, “I’m sure you do.” Oh, the Catholic Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Shep should just walk out onto the beach, dig a hole that is seven feet deep, and bury himself in it upside down so that the tide will drown him. This is over.

Meanwhile, at the table, Madison just flat-out asks Sienna what is up, if she’s into Shep, or if she’s playing hard to get. Sienna says, “Am I playing? Or am I hard to get?” Okay. That is the answer of someone who both deserves to be on reality television and realizes that she is way too good to be Shep Rose’s long-term, long-distance lover. But Sienna keeps dodging the questions about if they are or if they were together. She just says she and Shep had a lot of fun and he’s a great guy, which is a nice way to say, “I fucked him a few times and went on some trips, but he is twice my age, lives in another country, and is embarrassingly in love with me. It’s over, but the sex was good.”

As Shep approaches the table, Sienna tells everyone that they’re both noncommittal and that that works for them. Shep is definitely noncommittal to every woman we’ve ever seen him with except for this one, that is true. In this instance, however, he is as committed to this relationship as Ezra Pound was to St. Elizabeth’s asylum for 13 years. (A deep cut for the poetry fans!) After dinner, everyone returns to the girls’ suite to party, and Sienna says that she has a stomach ache and wants to go home. Did the dog belonging to her boyfriend, who lives in Canada, whom you definitely never met, also eat her homework? She might as well have called it a stomach f-ache. Still wanting to make it work, Shep makes excuses for her, saying that it is late and she wants to go home.

Shep is like every 21-year-old co-ed he met at Republique and strung along for three months before moving on to another one. The same kind of co-eds who say, “What we had was electric, and I know he can feel it; he just won’t admit it.” The man is so smitten he just can’t see that she isn’t feeling what he’s feeling, that she isn’t as interested in a long-term relationship as he is, and maybe he gave of himself a little too freely. Yes, Shep is now behaving just like a 21-year-old communications major at the College of Charleston.

In the morning, everyone is wrecked from the party the night before, except for Molly, who slept in with a migraine. Their rooms are trashed, with half-eaten room service on every surface and someone’s shoe just randomly sticking out of a decimated cheeseburger. The only person up early is Shep, and it’s not because he wanted to go to flamingo yoga (which is perhaps the most fun activity I have ever seen on Bravo). No, Shep was up early texting Sienna. He even wakes up Austen at 10 a.m. to read him the text while he’s still in bed, trying to wipe the dried drool off his face. Preserved for posterity, here is what we hear Shep read to Austen:

“I love seeing you, and no one else makes me feel the way you do, but I’m not going to try to convince someone to love me for three days, especially when I know deep down they do. [First cringey sound effect] Here’s hoping you understand my feelings and exalt them. I don’t feel this way almost ever. I know you agree and feel the same way I do because I’ve heard it from your perfect little freckled lips. [Second slightly louder cringey sound effect] And those around us can say and think what they will but we will have the last laugh, because we will have love, laughter and everything else that matters. Okay, that’s the end of my TED Talk. [This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Deadly levels of cringe have been detected. Please evacuate the area immediately.]”

When Craig gets up, Shep reads it to him, too, and it’s even longer. The editors have trimmed some of it out! Could you imagine if you were over a guy and got that text from him? It’s like that text slapped a chastity belt on Sienna, built a fortress around that belt, and then covered the whole thing on concrete. Shep isn’t getting anywhere close ever again. Craig says to him, “Your sentiment is nice, but it’s a good try. A valiant effort.” Craig is being a little bit of an asshole about how things are over with Sienna, saying that she shouldn’t come hang out with the group if Shep isn’t going to be there, but Craig really is right. Someone needed to tell Shep to stop and that it was time to focus on having fun with his friends and getting home to Charleston, where he could nurse his broken heart by ruining Molly’s life while never giving her a single orgasm.

Craig doesn’t even have to make that decision because when Shep calls to ask if she’s still going to hang out with the group, she says, and I quote, “I don’t know if that’s something I can take on right now.” This isn’t an extra credit assignment or an unwanted job offer. This is a relationship, and she shouldn’t take it on; she should dump Shep.

The rest of the day (and of the episode) is everyone just reacting to Shep’s major humiliation on an island nation of 400,000 people, one of whom was genius enough to invent Chicken-In-Da-Bag. Taylor thinks this should be a wake-up call for Shep to start dating women his own age, and I hope she is correct. Craig wants to hammer home how rancid Sienna’s vibes were at dinner and hopes that Shep doesn’t “spin out” because of this. Austen is mad at Craig for feeling so superior about handling his emotions that he is casting aspersions at Shep’s control. Madison is just glad that Shep is being treated as badly about his relationship as Shep treated her about hers back when she was with Austen. She also wants Craig and Austen to get along so she can stop hearing about their fight.

As for Shep, well, he looks downright dejected and absolutely heartbroken. He knows it’s over, at least it seems to be sinking in, but he doesn’t want to give up yet. As much fun as it is to see Shep — who has treated so many women so shabbily on this show — finally get his comeuppance, I don’t want him to be humiliated. I don’t want him to feel like a jackass for going after Sienna. He says that his feelings for her don’t come around often, and he would hate himself if he didn’t pursue them as hard as possible. He’s right! We should all do that. If there’s someone you like, tell them. If you want to send a cringe text, send a cringe text. If you think the girl you met in the Bahamas is ignoring you, have a whole reality television show book a trip to come see her, enlist the help of a major resort, find a production company to pay for all of your friends’ flights, and go get in a few drunken brawls in the Bahamas to pay for it all. It’s just the natural thing to do. Shep tried, he really, really did. And he shouldn’t feel like an ass for that. But if this doesn’t teach him that he needs to handle people’s romantic feelings with a bit more care in the future, well, he really would be an ass for that.