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Which Chilly Bobbed Blonde Would Win in a Fight?

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Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Hulu, Katalin Vermes/Lionsgate

Two monumental sequel trailers dropped today, accompanied by two even more breathtaking posters, both of which depict a mysterious icy blonde posing on a flight of stairs while surrounded by an intriguing composite of recognizable faces. One image is for the second season of Hulu’s Liane Moriarty adaptation, Nine Perfect Strangers, beating The White Lotus to the rumored punch by setting its luxury resort-set mystery in the Alps, starring Nicole Kidman. The other is for Now You See Me, Now You Don’t, the third film in the Jesse Eisenberg–helmed ensemble about flashy magicians pulling off elaborate heists. Rosamund Pike is a new villain in the franchise and thus given prominent placement standing upside down like an unnatural vampire. The only way for us to cover this news was to put both works of promo art in conversation with each other, and to make said conversation especially silly. So we ask, who would win in an Avengers: Infinity War–style battle between these intimidating women and their respective ensembles?

Background

Kidman plays Masha Dmitrichenko, a mysterious Russian guru who hosts “wellness retreats” for small, select groups of bougie people played by prestige character actors. At these retreats, she aims to help them heal emotional traumas by dosing them with psychedelics and guiding them through unorthodox exercises. Her “guests” are sort of captives, and her methods are sort of psychological torture. In Nine Perfect Strangers season one, we’ve seen that Masha has vulnerabilities and can be fucked with, so much so that she’s had to give up her California wellness retreat and move it to the Alps for season two.

Pike plays Veronika Vanderberg, scion of an evil European oligarchical family who launders dirty money by selling diamonds to warlords, arms dealers, traffickers, and all other manner of evil people. Veronika is an unknown entity, with seemingly limitless resources at her disposal. She gets the edge.

Winner: Pike

Abilities

Masha clearly has powers of persuasion bordering on the supernatural. In the trailer for season two, she appears to be able to make her guests relive emotionally traumatizing moments from their lives, in perfect, haunting detail. This is allegedly the same power as the villain in Marvel’s newest movie, Thunderbolts*.

Veronika Vanderberg has billions of dollars of resources and armed guards at her disposal. In the trailer, she yells “stop him!” at her goons while running away in a silver glittery cape. But the “him” in question (Jesse Eisenberg) remains unstopped. She is also in possession of a very powerful giant diamond, which may or may not possess mystical properties. It’s giving chaos emerald.

Winner: Kidman

Pose

Kidman and Pike’s poses in their respective posters reveal a lot about how they would fare in a face-to-face kaiju battle. Kidman is staring down the camera in a penetrating way. It seems steely at first, but the stare barely conceals an underlying madness. Veronika is more reserved, on the surface seems less emotionally volatile, and is standing with her legs parted — a good fighting stance. Kidman has both hands in her pockets, possibly holding weapons, while Pike just has one hand peeking out of a pocket, the other already at the ready to fight.

But crucially, Pike is upside down. She appears to have the power to defy the laws of physics, as the only upside-down figure on her poster. She’s just standing there topsy-turvy, like a bat. This element of surprise is unbeatable.

Winner: Pike

Team

Kidman is backed by eleven actors, nine of which are perfect strangers, and one demonic-looking teddy bear puppet immediately to her right. Other notable perfect strangers in her battalion include Christine Baranski in furry boots and a cane (underrated weapon potential); Mark Strong standing in the back as the “muscle” of the group; King Princess, who has the powers of lesbianism and crossing over from music to television; Murray Bartlett in a loud cardigan; and Henry Golding, looking a bit confused as to why he’s there.

Pike stands upside down like a chandelier dangling above the likes of Justice Smith (has an electric-type Pokémon, can access the Pink Opaque); Eisenberg holding a deck of cards (Gambit powers, maybe?); Morgan Freeman and Woody Harrelson (tricks hidden in their hats); and Dominic Sessa, ingenue extraordinaire, with an added height bonus. Crucially, these people are all masters of illusion, whereas the others are haunted by delusion.

Winner: Pike

Stairs

This is one of the toughest match-ups yet. If one woman must storm the other’s stairs to defeat them in a boss battle, both will face unique challenges. Kidman’s stairs are shrouded in fog, slicked with ice, seemingly steep, and have dangerous polar-mushrooms sprouting from the bannisters. Pike’s stairs, however, are an M.C. Esher–esque illogical maze, full of steep drop-offs and impossible turns. Again: Rosamund Pike is upside down. Fewer environmental threats, however, because these stairs exist in a sterile Photoshop void?

Winner: Pike

Bob

Even though Pike is one of our foremost bob-havers, her hair actually goes a little past the shoulder here. Cut-and-dry category.

Winner: Kidman

Best Villain

Congratulations, Rosamund Pike As Veronika Vanderberg. You’ve won this poster battle. But can you defeat Jesse Eisenberg doing card tricks at you? I guess we’ll find out in theaters this November.

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