The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Recap: One Happy Family

Finally, a breath! The six episodes before this one were more or less wall-to-wall mess. Writing these recaps has felt like running a marathon at sprint pace while hydrating exclusively with sugar-free coconut syrup. And it took watching an entire scene about a car wash for me to figure out why. This show is all gas(-lighting accusations), no brakes. We don’t get those silly little slice-of-life scenes one would find scattered through even the most drama-packed Real Housewives season. It sort of worries me in terms of franchise longevity, to be honest. Those “stars, they’re just like us!” inane moments are arguably as important to developing a rich reality TV persona as the explosive reveals. The Mormon Wives are funny in their own ridiculous way, and allowing them to embark on more absurdist outings would be such a treat. Basically, how can we allow for even a touch more “Karen and Gizelle Running From a Mime” energy?

Anyway, it’s the last day of the Scottsdale girls’ trip. The moms put on matching leggings, get in formation, and shake their little asses to something that resembles a beat. Whitney asks if she’ll be reinstated back into MomTok after the trip. An emergency board meeting is called and everyone votes no except for Taylor. We’ve all seen Succession and this is bad news for Ms. Frankie Paul. I predict Demi is already coalition-building for a swift vote of no confidence once she can get the numbers. This also invites the question: is Miranda in MomTok? Sort of feels like she’s slid under the radar and has some kind of default membership. If MomTok is Succession, Miranda is Connor Roy.

Because MomTok is first and foremost an enterprise that must deliver value to its shareholders, Jessi goes to Demi’s house to do Amazon Prime sponcon. While unboxing a purse she would not be caught dead using, Demi talks more about her fertility struggles. She explains that Bret will be getting surgery on his varicose vein because it is suffocating his sperm, and that this fix will increase her chances of getting pregnant 20-60 percent. If that doesn’t work, she is anti-sperm donor, but pro-Layla having sex with Bret and carrying her baby. I played this back several times to check because the logic is cuckoo, but she said what she said. We might just have uncovered the official definition of “hard swinging.”

Taylor and Dakota vicious cycle update! They are still sleeping together but calling it “stepping back.” Dakota is also out of baby wipes.

At JZ Styles, Jessi’s hair empire, Demi and Layla swing through to have their long locks done in one of the three (3) MomTok compliant hairstyles. Layla got in a fight with Cam, so it’s TBD if he’ll join her at the friendsgiving she’s hosting. She’s decided to invite Whitney, Jen, and Zac because “the core value of MomTok is uplifting each other.” Demi goes on to say she felt disdain on the girls’ trip because Taylor is “triggered by her success.” She insists it shouldn’t be a competition. Girl, be serious. You all know there is a competition. Yes, there is a seemingly bottomless number of brands ready to make it rain in exchange for viral content relevant to their mom audience, BUT the economy is also in the toilet and we live in a capitalist hellscape. The number one brand value of MomTok may be “women supporting women,” but the number one brand value of the United States of America is still “aggressive individualism.”

On a lighter note, Mikayla faces her fear of the carwash because her daughter Tommie loves the carwash. This is the exact reprieve I was talking about earlier! It’s a scene straight out of early Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It’s stupid slapstick humor with a side of “Mikayla is actually a person when she’s not rigidly acting out her one-sided beef with Whitney.” Speaking of Whitney, she’s introduced a Mormon bake-off challenge to the friendsgiving, and everyone seems game, which leads me to believe it wasn’t actually Whitney’s idea. Mayci insists she is the OG tradwife of the group. I’m so curious where the concept/term “tradwife” fits into the MomTok brand guidelines. Presumably in some type of “reclamation” territory? I shall report back with additional findings as they arise.

In preparation for the bake off, Demi and Bret go to a baking supply store to purchase penis sprinkles while hashing out Bret’s cheating rumors. Demi talks about how she’s used to dealing with the rumor mill because there were other rumors about Bret cheating on his ex and being in rehab for years. Bret confesses that caring about optics is his achilles heel (Mr. Optics No. 2 alert!) and something about how his sister having been married to Larry King is the source of this toxic trait. Demi is confident that by his 40th session of ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP), Bret will be rid of this affliction. I’m tempted to clown on whether Demi has a sponcon deal with the clinic, but it feels like a net positive that this show is destigmatizing therapeutic ketamine. (Even if I’m not loving how it’s portrayed as a band-aid solution versus something you engage with deeply, often with a whole team of mental health professionals, as a means to help treat depression, substance use disorder, PTSD, etc.)

Anyway, the cameras go down, but audio keeps rolling. We are treated to the same visuals I get when I have a migraine aura while Bret gets further fired up about the cheating thing. He says he wants to find out who the anon confessor was because he wants to “go after them.” For someone so into optics, you’d think he’d have a better grasp of how to not look guilty.

Mikayla and Whitney are both at their respective houses making uniquely Mormon sourdough (it involves a stencil) when — OH NO. We have a MOMTALK RED ALERT. Zac is still being filmed without Jen, and no thank you! I do not like it one bit. He tells Conner and Whitney that Jen cries every day and “it’s 90 percent related to the girls.” This math makes no sense. The conflict “related to the girls” (at least based on what we’ve seen) is actually just conflict about their marital relationship, but mirrored back through other women who seem concerned for Jen’s wellbeing and have varying levels of success at communicating that concern. Zac also blabs that Bret and Demi have skeletons in their closet and are working to get a cease-and-desist. He straight up says “I have nothing to lose,” which led me to scream at my television “BESIDES YOUR WIFE’S SANITY AND/OR LIFE?!” Pure villainy, this guy.

Next, it’s time for Swig. Side note, I’d like you all to know that this morning, I was at an L.A. Farmers’ Market and Hulu had a “For your Emmy Consideration” #MomTok bus serving up branded beverages made with Poppi soda, various syrups, and oat milk creamer. I did not accept a free beverage because I am both a Swig virgin and a Swig loyalist. If it is not from “the home of the original dirty soda,” I am not interested! Anyway, at Swig, Layla talks about her trust and abandonment issues, then makes up with Cam. I am confident this result would not have occurred without a 32-ounce Bloody Wild, add coconut cream.

Taylor and Dakota vicious cycle update No. 2! Same shit, different day. But some guy named Gavin tells Dakota he needs to draw the line and be a “father figure cemented in self-love.” The seeds of an ultimatum are born.

Finally, it’s time for friendsgiving. Jordan and Jessi are in Mexico and Jen and Zac don’t show up, so the drama is mostly limited to a baking contest. Mikayla brings four separate items, my favorite of which is a pumpkin pie topped with a photo of a Jesus so white, he surely has a side gig shilling Sperry Topsiders. Mayci makes peanut butter bars that come with a whole-ass lesson involving Joseph Smith and a hill and golden plates. Taylor slops a store-bought apple pie into a dish from home. Demi makes a “better than what” cake with penis sprinkles on top. No one understands how it fits the Mormon theme and they are clearly not paying attention. From my vantage, there is nothing more Mormon than living in contradiction, and a cake where you can’t say the word “sex” but can gobble down genitalia-shaped sugar bits feels right on the money. Nevertheless, it wins first place.

Sitting down for dinner, Layla opens up the Demi and Bret can of worms under the guise of wanting to know how they have the trust to move through it. Demi just keeps emphasizing how she’s with Bret 24/7 and how sly and crafty he’d have to be to cheat. Mayci has the audacity to say that if someone is going to say something, they should say it with their chest and provide proof, as if she is not the organizer of a weekly anonymous confession forum.

Taylor and Dakota vicious cycle update No. 3! Dakota has delivered an ultimatum to Taylor. Bret does his best Dr. Phil, and asks Taylor if she thinks she’s deserving of love, then mansplains how to become someone who does believe that, as if he isn’t over there stewing in “optics” neuroses. On that same note, Conner says he doesn’t want to make it about him and Whitney then does just that. I’m sure he makes some solid points about giving men second chances, but I am uninterested because I uphold the MomTok core value of “supporting women.” Taylor is going to do exactly what she wants, my guy. But god bless!

Up next, the drama-free streak will surely be broken because there is a Saints and Sinners party on the books. Demi is threatening an atomic bomb. Better go stock my shelter.