Father Guido Sarducci’s Conclave Analysis Won Late Night This Week

In the words of The State, Da Pope Is A-Coming. The first papal conclave of the YouTube livestream era came and went this week. Now we have a pope from Chicago who loves Da Bears, The Bear, Malört, and other wonderful, wonderful cultural references. But lets spend a little time looking at how the late-night entertainment ecosystem handled this moment in history.

First off: Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel both used that excellent footage of a cardinal sealing the doors to the Sistine Chapel, implying that a big dance party was taking place once the doors were shut. Points go to The Tonight Show, however, for picking a specific song for the college of cardinals to kiki to — “Abracadabra” by Lady Gaga. Stephen Colbert should be lauded for spending some time on the outfits of the Vatican guards (also another thing ranked below); they’re so goofy. And The Daily Show got Lewis Black to weigh in on who should be pope. But I also want to highlight After Midnight, which examined a race almost as vital to global affairs: the newly created Best Podcast category at the Golden Globes. Both alike in stature and import! Here’s who else got papal dispensation this week in late night.

A Tribute to Fan Fiction From Everybody’s Live

Finally, someone is speaking truth to power. And by “power,” I mean the power to make fan-cams set to “Persuasive” by Doechii featuring SZA. The stan army for the Saturday Night Live twunks of the mid-aughts has gotten out of control, and I’m glad John Mulaney said something about it. As someone who has liked even one TikTok set to a Lonely Island song, do you have any idea how much content I have been subjected to shipping Seth Meyers with Stefan’s lawyer/conceptual piss artist, Shy? It beggars belief. Mulaney and Andy Samberg read a “real” fan fiction about the two, and it was exactly the correct amount of uncomfortable. But if they’d licensed some true smut of AO3, it would be at the top of this list.

John Oliver’s Paddington Impression

John Oliver has to come to grips with the fact that the brickworks he used to play in as a child (or act in an adaptation of Bleak House in as a child, potato po-tah-to) is going to become a Universal Studios theme park. That’s rough, buddy. Oliver worked through this trauma by acting out what a Paddington Bear born and raised in Bedfordshire would sound like, and it was dang evocative. Points are deducted because Paddington is a StudioCanal property and not Universal, but Oliver did suss out that the Minions have soccer-hooligan energy.

John Green Displays His Party Trick on The Daily Show

God loves a party trick, and John Green has fostered a doozy. You write a book called Everything Is Tuberculosis, and it begs the hoi polloi to go, “Okay, asshole, how’s _____ connected to tuberculosis?” And, by gum, Green finds a connection for every phenomenon Desi Lydic can think of. This ability to connect everything to your special interest is a muscle that should be cultivated. I, for example, can link anything back to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My husband can do the same for the Cold War. The point is, find your passion, then figure out how to link everything back to said passion and be enriched beyond measure.

Nick Offerman’s M:I Shtick

Who doesn’t love a big entrance bit? Nick Offerman is publicizing his supporting role in the final Mission: Impossible, so of course he had to do a rubber-faced identity theft on a member of Cleto and the Cletones. Jimmy Kimmel should utilize his band for bits more, like The Tonight Show does, lest he lose his band like Seth Meyers lost his. These house bands are national treasures and should be honored/included in sketches as such.

A True Expert on The Late Show

I’m shocked that one of the NBC properties didn’t get Father Guido Sarducci this week. Don Novello brought his iconic, sometimes SNL-aligned character to The Late Show to talk about the papal conclave, and seeing real-ass Catholic Stephen Colbert kind of struggle under the sacrilege was an added bonus. Did Father Guido — the only member of the clergy rapped about by MF DOOM — spend more time than one would think talking about Sonic the Hedgehog? Sure. But isn’t Sonic also something of a Christ-like character? And there’s probably not a better way to honor the first American pope than bringing back a long-dead sketch-comedy character. Maybe a hot-dog-eating contest, but other than that, no. It’s also just fun to see someone smoking on late night. Robby Hoffman and Andy Samberg vaped on Everybody’s Live this week, but cigs will always outrank a vape.