The Bachelor Recap: The Light Is On

“I really like that you have all these different sides to you.”

“I do have walls up, but those walls could not be up.”

“That’s good. I’m emotionally available.”

“I love that.”

“But also, I’m fun.”

“I love fun.”

“Are you someone that loves fun?”

“I love fun.”

“I’m looking for someone that could be the mother of my children.”

“Some of my sides are soft.”

“But I also like to have fun.”

“Yeah, fun is something that’s fun.”

Repeat for two hours.

Oof. I fear that Bachelor Nation has somewhat turned on Grant, between all the what-legal-is-telling-me-I-have-to-call “songs” and Reddit immediately finding the clip of him telling Rose he was thinking about her during the girl group date. And I don’t know what it will take to gain their trust back. After a Bachelor like Joey, it’s hard to imagine anyone who could live up to that amazing tenure as the lead, but Grant is definitely missing something. What the French call “je ne sais quoi.” There are quite a few things happening here and the sameness of the dates and the relationships is not helping. The main issue that I think is the stumbling block for what’s going on this season is that Grant’s light is on.

I feel like every single reader is intimately familiar with the television program Sex and the City because that’s just the kind of community we are, but I’ll explain. In season three, episode eight, “The Big Time,” Miranda Hobbes says, “When they’re available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and decide they’re ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up — boom! — that’s the woman they marry. It’s not fate. It’s dumb luck.” The way Grant constantly repeats, “I’m looking for my wife,” and describes every single ladytestant as being a potential good wife and good mother is just screaming, “My light is on.” He’s ready to settle down, for whatever reason, and he will do it now. It doesn’t help that he can’t quite describe exactly what he’s looking for. A wife, yes; what kind of wife? Unclear. The fact that he never considered that some relationships could be equal partnerships without the man providing everything. This is someone who has done ZERO thinking about what a successful marriage and parenthood look like. And the way he talks later in the episode about “having a family to heal what you never had” is telling.

Let’s get into it.

The women are sitting around after the Prom From Hell and reflecting on all the drama. Jesse comes in and tells the women that this shit is so annoying that Grant has fled to a non-extradition country. Just kidding! He’s in Madrid, and their flight leaves in an hour! Juliana says she’s never been on a trip with a boyfriend before. Well, her boyfriend and his nine other girlfriends.

They arrive in Madrid, and to the sounds of music that’s weirdly in Spanish but not from Spain, Grant tells us that he’s been to Spain when he played basketball, and he’s been so emotionally available, he’s ready to fall in love. Con quién, Grant? He sits down with Jesse, and they talk about how this week is when things get real. So every other week when you’ve looked deep in a woman’s eyes and put your hand on her ass and told her she’d be a good mom, that was all just casual fun. Meanwhile, all the ladytestants sit down with some sangria and talk about what they want to do in Madrid. Juliana says, “See our boyfriend!” a little too loudly. She’s really trying to get that shit over. Grant arrives and says that Dina gets the “Walk Around the City One-on-One Date!”

They do too many activities on this date. They’re playing soccer with children, they’re dancing with old people, they’re strolling down romantic side streets, they’re on a rowboat! Dina keeps saying that she wants to show Grant that softer side and all her different layers. Just once on this show, I’d love for a woman to be like, “No, this is it. I’m a stone-cold bitch, and he’s gonna love it. I rule.” They write down wishes and put them on a shop wall. Dina’s wish is “I wish for a happy marriage, love, laughter, children, and one that’s full of fun.” Grant says, “I desire to find the love of my life and the mother of my children.” Dina’s eye twitches, and she says, “Wow! We have the exact same wish!” When they’re in the rowboat, Dina says it’s taking every ounce of her resolve not to help him row the boat. I love her. She’s basically like, “You have no idea what you’re doing, and I could fix all of this.” This is where Grant talks about wanting to be a provider, and Dina, a successful lawyer, says well, I’m also a giver, so I would want us to do that for each other. This BLOWS GRANT’S MIND! He says he’s never been in a relationship with that dynamic. This is where I’d be asking 4,000 follow-up questions. Chief among them: “Huh?” and “What?” He also says that there’s more to Dina than “a five-year plan.” Has he ever met a woman with a job?

In the evening portion of the date, Dina reveals just how intense and regimented she is because she’s one of 11 children. She doesn’t have a lot of “go with the flow” moments, but she loves that Grant brings that out of her. She also asks about his seven-year relationship, and I think her question is, “That is a long time?” Grant says he was selfish and focused on his career, and he wasn’t catering to what his ex was asking for. I think she was asking for commitment. See? His light wasn’t on.

Dina says she likes the way Grant makes her feel open, and Grant is just stunned that Dina has a LinkedIn. I guess this couple makes sense? She gets the rose. But I need WAY more specifics about his relationship. Just putting that out there.

Back at the hotel, the other ladytestants are waiting for the group-date card and Carolina is running her mouth. She keeps saying, “I can’t complain. I shouldn’t complain,” and then keeps complaining. I can’t tell if her way of bonding is complaining or if she genuinely doesn’t realize that she’s not the main character right now. She also says she doesn’t like group dates because she has to watch everyone’s intimate moments with Grant. Oh? Like when you straddled him in front of Mario? Alexe, Litia, Carolina, Natalie, Rose, Parisa, Zoe, and Juliana are going on the group date, so Sarafiena is getting the one-on-one date. I am SHOCKED that Juliana didn’t get either of the one-on-one dates this week. What is Grant waiting for? He clearly really likes her!

For the group date, they ride donkeys through the streets of another Spanish town. Parisa’s donkey won’t stop farting, Alexe insinuates that she’s turned on by the rhythm of the donkey’s hooves on the cobblestone streets, and Carolina’s donkey is a paid actor who keeps her at the back of the pack for the whole ride. They wind up at a bullfighting ring with one of the few matadoras, Carmen. Carmen says that bullfighting is about confidence, and because there’s no insurance policy for having your reality TV contestants face down a live bull, they will demonstrate that confidence with Grant pushing a bull-barrow. Litia sneaks the tiniest, most chaste little smooch, and that sends Carolina into a spiral.

After a little training session, they bring out the real competition: a mechanical bull! A few random locals gather to sort through their email spam folders and “watch.” Whoever stays on the longest gets a prize. Most of the women are tossed off in 15 seconds, but Alexe grabs the bull by the horns (literally), and this feels like it’s against the rules. This is not International Rodeo Association compliant. Zoe sees that this technique works and copies Alexe. Zoe wins! She gets some special time with Grant that is just walking to another part of the arena, sharing a toast and a little kiss. What happened to a wooden hot tub set up in a field? Or canceling the cocktail party for everyone else? At this point, it’s better to lose the group-date mini-challenge and get the group-date rose instead.

It’s time for the group-date cocktail party and … Carolina. Well, before all this nonsense goes down, Grant gives Parisa some ugly, ugly rocks, and this is too intimate for someone he is about to send home. Rose sits down with Grant first, and they clumsily work their way through their setbacks. He tells her that he sees potential between them, and they want to keep progressing forward. Zoe finally reveals some of her backstory with Grant. She was adopted with her sister and raised in a very white area. She didn’t have a lot of friends and didn’t have anyone telling her she was beautiful because Black wasn’t something that was beautiful where she grew up. It also sounds like no one in her life was prepared to counteract that messaging, and she’s carried a lot of pain. Grant says he loves that Zoe opened up to him.

I also think Grant just thinks that as long as a woman opens up to him and cries in front of him about anything, that’s emotional availability and building the relationship. That seems to be why he’s so quick to act when it comes to Carolina.

And speaking of Carolina, let’s get to all this bullshit. It seems like, for whatever reason, Carolina does have one incredibly annoying habit: She thinks out loud. She thinks everyone needs to know what she’s thinking and where she’s at and that everyone is just riveted to listen to her. She’s going on about how she’s unsure about Grant and has unanswered questions and she needs to see what Grant’s intentions are. Girl. You are a FRONT-RUNNER. RELAX!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, everyone is fucking tired of listening to her complain about the fact that she is considering marrying the guy they’re all competing to get engaged to. Juliana has had enough and takes Carolina aside to make a terrible gameplay decision.

Juliana just doesn’t come right out and tell Carolina that she’s just being really annoying, and she doesn’t want to hear Carolina complain, so please shut it. She does tell her that it’s leaving a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, and if she’s questioning Grant’s intentions, she should just pack her bags and leave. Carolina scrambles and says that she’s actually very into Grant (which she definitely is). Juliana says this is all very unsettling and goes back inside. The other girlies try to get the information out of Juliana and Carolina, and I laughed out loud when Juliana said, “I’m comfortable sharing whatever you’re comfortable sharing.” Carolina opens it up to ask about her intentions, and Rose says it’s just a lot of negativity. Carolina says, “Fine! I just won’t share unprompted.” Yes! Correct! Good instinct! Zoe says when Carolina has gotten a one-on-one, it’s just a bit much. Then Carolina starts crying about how she does really like Grant. Girl. Shut up!

This is when Grant comes into the room to pick up the group-date rose. Nope. That’s not happening. Grant takes Carolina aside and asks her what’s going on. Grant lets her know she does have the qualities he sees in a wife, and he’s going to figure this out. No one is getting the group-date rose tonight.

It’s time for Sarafiena’s one-on-one date, and they’re going to jump off a bridge. This is some real white-people nonsense. There wasn’t anywhere they could do a wine tasting? There’s nothing really of consequence in the activity portion of the date because it’s the same exact beats as the “jumping off the Stratosphere” date. “I’m scared … but not when I’m with you.” I will say Sarafiena does have an annoying habit of calling everything “insane” or “psychotic.” They head to dinner. Is there chemistry here? They talk about how a single mother raised Sarafiena and you can feel Grant fishing for some deeper trauma because she isn’t kissing him as passionately as he’s kissing her. She reveals that her mom is watching, and she doesn’t want to embarrass herself. That’s a really charming moment. Sarafiena says she felt a lot of shame not growing up with a dad, and this is where Grant says, “So you can rewrite your own history.” I don’t know what kind of therapy Grant is doing, if any, but he needs to double it. She gets the rose because he can see someone who would make a good wife. I need someone on this show to talk about their hobbies or something! Please! He says he could be falling in love with her! QUE!?!

It’s time for the cocktail party, and the mood is tense! Grant takes Juliana aside and asks her about the drama with Carolina. Juliana says that Carolina is mostly coming off as ungrateful for the time she’s gotten with Grant and it’s rubbing people the wrong way. This upsets Grant because Carolina is the front-runner! He sits down with Carolina and she’s able to spin it as “I have doubts BECAUSE I’m so serious. Because I like you so much.” There’s something in this dynamic that really has me wondering if this “woe-is-me” act has paid off for Carolina before or if she thinks she has to do it to mitigate something else that’s going on with her. Rose takes the opportunity to tell Carolina about how her relationship was set back because of all her stories. She says, “You did me dirrrrrty,” and immediately decides to go home. Rose, I admire you. You’re not having fun for a couple of days. Pack it in. Time to go home. Everyone starts doing the math on exactly how many rose ceremonies and group dates Carolina has ruined.

Time for the rose ceremony! Litia, Juliana, Alexe, Zoe, and Carolina all get roses! It’s off to Scotland, and it looks like Juliana is getting the shopping princess date, which is a very good sign! And Carolina just can’t help herself! See you next week!!